This Is My Story

Hi, everybody. My name is Kassie, and I have a new life in Christ. I’m recovering from anxiety, perfectionism, and an orphan heart.

Five years ago, I got stuck. Becoming a mama, thousands of miles away from my family, in the middle of COVID, to the sweetest baby girl with complex medical needs? I was familiar with the struggle bus. Heck, I lived on it. Stress quickly turned to overwhelm and gained a stranglehold on my life. I quietly cut myself off from relationships and operated in desperate survival mode. As a pastor’s wife, I believed I needed to appear perfect in order to protect the Lord’s reputation, though I never felt genuinely liked by Him or safe with Him. Darkness invaded my mind, and I shut out anyone who could help in a misguided attempt to love them. Typical thoughts sounded like:

• I hate my life.
• I’m not cut out for this.
• Everything in my world is really hard.
• I’m not worth knowing.
• It will always be like this.
• I’m a dumpster fire.
• I’m making life harder for those around me.

And then I broke down over my daughter’s health issues. For real. (Amongst the surgery staff at Connecticut Children’s Hospital, I have probably gone down in history as “the fainting wonder.”) At that point, I knew I couldn’t handle my story without help.

I thought recovery would be full of people battling “big ugly sins;” it didn’t take long to notice that God was just as concerned with what I’d considered the “pretty little sins” of harmful inner attitudes. This process would be much more about addressing core beliefs than about behavior modification star charts. My hope was to defeat the anxiety that had crippled me, but I didn’t realize that underneath it lurked a secret distrust of the Lord’s heart. I functioned as though I had to keep the world going; if I were to stop for even a moment, my family, my life, everything would crumble.

God would take the next ten months to patiently reveal that He wants to protect me—I don’t need to hide my messy parts in order to protect Him. The Lord knows me fully and loves me completely (and even likes me!). I’m free to be His little girl rather than a frantically performing orphan hoping to not get kicked out. Besides that, God has been holding not only my world but the whole universe together much longer than I’ve been around. He holds it all—and me, too—in the palm of His hand. There is deep rest available at His side.

As I’ve encountered the steps, God has shown me that my anxiety is real but powerless when I remember who my Father is. He’s still helping me navigate the debris of forgetful moments: control, pride, avoidance, and shame. Instead of hating myself for being broken, I’m learning that desperation is a gift God uses to shepherd me back to the safety of His loving arms.

While my posture toward people in general has become much more open, the relationships I’ve noticed changing the most are those in my home. Affection is replacing control, and we are now able to honestly enjoy one another (most days). 🙂 Friendship with others is becoming possible, too. The Lord brought beautiful gospel community through the women in my virtual group. I wasn’t expected to sound wise or look impressive or produce anything, so emotional connection felt natural. Now I’m practicing intentional authenticity with the people around me and resisting the urge to hide.

My best hope used to be to just stay off of God’s radar—be the good, helpful, low-maintenance kid, and everything might turn out okay. Now I know that the safety I’ve always craved is the Lord’s baseline, and He has joy beyond my wildest dreams in store. Until I’m finally home with Him, I’m learning to live in His affectionate presence and through His abundant power one moment at a time.